It's so weird that I can go from being on Christmas break and having no obligations, to college and classes and having meetings and homework and track practice and a work schedule, all within a twenty-four hour time frame. It quite honestly stresses me out! It's like calm, quiet serenity versus mad house chaos.
Now, I know that this happens to college students all over the country every year, not just to me now, but I feel like I become more overwhelmed than everyone else, because I force myself to be prepared and on-time and perfect every day of my life. I know that sounds completely fictitious and unrealistic, but that's exactly why it's so stressful. I understand that no one is prepared for everything, no one is on-time all the time, and no one is perfect. Trust me, I get it.
But... I'm constantly striving for it, because I am afraid of failure. I am afraid to disappoint... myself, my parents, my sisters, and my God. I hate being told it can't be done, or that I am unable or ill-equipped, because than I force myself to do it. I make myself able. I equip myself.
It's like a constant challenge I have with the world. Part of it is because I am a women, and we are constantly being undermined for our fraility and emotions, and part of it is just my bull-headed personality trying to be right all the time.
But sitting here, already stressed on the first day of classes, I can't help but envy the student who doesn't care, the student who is here for the party, the student who honestly thinks a C is good enough for him. (I use "him," because I have a certain student in mind.) Because life would be way less stressful, if I wasn't in constant fear of defeat.
And I guess the real question I have is: Does this make me stronger? Am I better off constantly striving for excellence? Is searching for perfection healthy? Will all this stress get me anywhere? But most importantly, will it get me to where I want to be? ...And is where I want to be good enough?
4 comments:
I feel like I just read something I wrote. I have always conquered life in that exact same way & fear disappointment or rejection. I would say it's an admirable quality to a point, but "perfection" is too strong of a word...or goal to achieve. No one is perfect. Just strive for your best potential of which your most content. I think sounds like you are! :)
Check out this article I posted on my blog in May:
http://stillar0ckstar.blogspot.com/2009/05/inner-peace.html
Hang in there, keep kickin' ass at all you do, & best wishes this semester! :)
stillarockstar: Thanks for sharing your blog! It touched me right away, when Carroll said:
"Stop postponing being happy until
[insert your goal/desire here]."
Because that is exactly what I do. Instead of living for today, I live for when this happens or when that time comes.
I think recognition is one of first steps needed to fix your problems, so thanks for helping me realize! :)
I was definitally you for awhile.....but I've kinda given up and have become more of the "here for the party" kind.
I still definitally care and still want to do my best, especially with things like SGA and all that...
but really...and a friend reminded me of this the other day...
in the end, our loved ones, the people who we're working so hard to not disappoint. To show them that we can live up to our potential and will be succesful. Those people are going to be proud of us no matter what we do or where we end up. They're going to be behind us no matter what.
So in the end, its ourselves we have to talk into not accepting perfection and remind ourselves that its okay to be late on ocassion or not do it all, or do it all perfectly. Which is usually the hardest person to convince.
It's the last semester of senior my friend, give in a little.. ENJOY!!!
DREW: Thanks! I'm sure I could try giving in at least a little bit... :)
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