I always feel better when I am at home, probably because I feel less alone in the world. Mom and Dad are always around, always complimenting me, always asking what I've been up to. It eases my fears for at least a little while.
My home is like this dome that protects me from everything hurtful or despressing or wrong, but then I walk out from underneath its shadow, and there I am, vulnerable and afraid.
I wish I was different. I wish I made friends easier or got along with people better. I wish I had a life encompassing goal in which I was always working towards, always busy with, so I never had a chance to sit down, just to look at everything I have that I love, only to realize that it doesn't even matter. Yes, it all makes me feel better for awhile, and then I remember, I have no one to share it with it.
And it all sounds so cliche, like I need a special someone, a man in my life. But the truth is, I just need SOMEONE. My family is great, and they are always there for me, but I think there comes a time when everyone needs someone who is not blood related. Someone to laugh with and share their stories with and eat icecream with and swing with and go shopping with and listen to great music with. It's vital... at least for me. And I like to think I am not so different than everyone else. At least I hope not...
For than I truely am forever alone... And I don't know how much longer I can bare it.
2 comments:
Your quote, "And I like to think I am not so different than everyone else. At least I hope not..." is right on. You most definitely are not alone. Such thoughts enter my mind on a regular basis. Being alone is scary, and wanting someone or anyone isn't the least bit cliche. If you are alone, I'm right there with you.
I remember a day, almost three years ago now, when I was working as a server at a wedding. I remember watching the head table and thinking, "Man they seem to really like each other," and I immediately got sad. Who would want to come to my wedding, not that I was planning to have one anytime soon. I had recently broken up with my longtime boyfriend and didn't have anyone (family excluded) to turn to. I was alone, and I felt I had wasted several years of including him; I developed my whole life around him, only him. I started to cry while I was working because that was the loneliest moment of my entire life.
So, I made some changes.
Post a Comment