The Blog Post that Brought Me Back: My Uncle Mark

So my last post was in 2011 before my wedding. What can I say? I got busy. And I have so much to tell you about... but today, I want to tell you about something else. Yesterday, after a long conversation about writing, I read my co-worker a couple of my blog posts. This got me thinking about my blog and starting to write again. Today, something happened that was worth writing about. So, without further ado...

 

Nine weeks ago, I started the Couch 2 5k Challenge. It is an app on my phone that has 24 steps/workouts that build you up to running a 5k (3.1 miles). I was going to run my final day tomorrow, but since I was home alone with my son (yes, I have a son!) and nothing else to do, I just up and decided to do it tonight. Yes, I decided to run my final run, 30 minutes straight, the day following my last 28 minute run, while pushing my son in the stroller. I tried to pump myself up while I got dressed and went to grab a cap to help keep my hair back out of my face. Thumbing through my stack, I found one that used to be my Uncle Mark's. It was a mustard yellow, baseball cap that read "Caterpillar" on its front. My uncle passed away last winter, and my aunt had offered each member of my family a hat in memory of him.  I decided to wear this cap thinking that maybe it would give me strength to finish my challenge, because my uncle would be running with me. Putting it on my head, I continued to get ready, grabbing my phone, suiting up my son... I moved to the fridge to grab a water to take with me and stopped to look at one of only three photos on my fridge: a photo of my uncle in the weeks before he passed. In the photo, he sits on a boat wearing blue sweat pants, a white T-shirt, and a Carhartt jacket, looking frail but smiling, and... wearing a mustard yellow baseball cap with "Caterpillar" written on its front. I blinked back a small glimmer of astonishment. I hadn't even noticed his cap until that moment.

 

I went on my run, the entire way thinking of my uncle. I thought of him as I ran through a cemetery on my route. I thought of him and how he looked in the photo on my fridge. And I thought of him when I glanced up to see the yellow mustard of the baseball cap near my brow. I finished my challenge, feeling way better than I imagined I would. I realized that even though I knew I could and would do it, I had still been afraid of failing. And even though, I am mad at myself for not having confidence in my training, I realized that sometimes you just need someone to be there for you, cheering you on, convincing you that the doubt in your mind is silly. My uncle was that person tonight. Thanks for being there for me... Ma Ma Ma Ma Dark*. I love you.

 

*When I was little, I had trouble saying my "M" words. I confused them with "Ds". My family would try to help me, telling me to say, "Ma Ma Ma Ma  Mark" and I would say, "Ma Ma Ma Ma Dark."

 

Wedding Stress

Quite honestly, now that I am engaged, all I can think about is the wedding. Planning, preparing, calculating, hoping. One, because I am anal and have to have everything under control every single minute of my life. And two, because it's ridiculous how hard someone has to work in order to please every other single person, but themselves on their own wedding day. The reception has to look GOOD to everyone else. The food has to be EXCELLENT because people are buying you gifts. And the cake has to be AMAZING so people talk about it long after your wedding is over. It's insane. And as much as I've waited in anticipation for the day I could plan my dream wedding, pick out my white dress, and marry the man of my dreams... right now, I could really care less about anything but my fiance and the bond we will share once our big day comes. The spending concern and the stress that I am feeling right now, could give any normal, healthy person an ulcer. And that's not meant to be funny at all. I just think it's sad that a ceremony and a celebration that is meant to bind two people by God, has turned into something so materialistic. It's like Christmas. The real reason for the season or the real reason for the day, has been lost. 

Engaged

Last night, my boyfriend of almost two years, proposed to me. And while I might have been able to predict that it was coming soon and maybe even that night, after several subtle hints from him, I couldn't be any more excited! Finally, after countless dreams and wishes and desperate blogs and hopeful poems and hour upon hour of conversation with whoever would listen about my love problems... and several wrong ones, I finally found the right guy.

The proposal: I knew that my boyfriend was going to be taking me out for the evening, so when I arrived at his house, he was at the door to let me in with a single red rose. (I hate big bouquets! lol) I got ready and we went out to dinner at a brewing company downtown. We'd been there before, but we still enjoyed some great food, good conversation, and a glass of wine and beer. He told me he had a surprise for me after dinner, so I tried several times to guess where we were going. I didn't get it right.

After we had finished eating, he told me that he wanted me to drive to our next destination. So he gave me directions and I drove, the anticipation growing. I was pretty sure he was going to propose but I had no idea where. He told me to park the vehicle near a sculpture park that is located in the downtown area. So we got out, he held my hand, and proceeded to walk me to the center of the park, where he proposed to me by a sculpture entitled, "Marriage." It was all very surreal in that it started to snow lightly as we approached the sculpture, the lights of the skyline shown brightly around us, and we were the only two people in the entire park, a snow-covered museum in the cold night air. But at the same time, it was very real. He might have fumbled a line, or forgot part of his speech (as he told me later). I might have scolded him for not getting down on his knee, even thought he might get his pant leg wet, and we might both have been pretty cold and laughing as we tried to figure out why the sculpture had been entitled Marriage. But it was still perfect. It was taken right out of a movie and placed into the lines of my life.

He told me that we had known each other for 1005 days. And we'd been dating for 705 of those days. And that he loved me and that he hoped I'd do him the honor of marrying him. He pulled out the ring that I had chosen, and told me not to lose it because it wasn't yet insured. Again, surreal but perfect. We hugged each other, and suddenly the night wasn't so cold and never wanted to leave that park. I wanted to cling to the moment of our engagement. So we walked around the park, hand and hand, smiling from ear to ear, as he told me the names of the other sculptures, which he had learned as he researched the spot on the Internet. And then we headed home, to call all our family and friends and let them know.

It turned out to be a great night! And it was the perfect, surreal but very real, proposal. Two points for my finance.

Close Your Eyes

Isn't it funny that closing your eyes when you are drunk or tipsy, sends your world a spinning instead of focusing your mind and calming you? I was at a wedding this weekend, and I might have had a little too much wine on an empty stomach. So I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself and get my head under control, but I only got more dizzy. My head only spun more and more out of control. I felt like I was going to vomit.

This seems really opposite to me. Because in other instances, you don't get this same reaction to closing your eyes.

Like when you are really nervous because you are trying to make a free throw in a big game... or you are trying to think of an answer to a tough question on a test... or you are frustrated with a spouse or sibling... what do you do? You close your eyes.. You close your eyes to focus. You close your eyes to think more clearly. You close your eyes to regain composure. And it works. It helps you find your center... of balance, of gravity, of mind, of body, and of soul.

So what's with alcohol. We already know it affects your mind and your body. You do funny things. You don't think clearly. You might even get a little sick. You might get dizzy. But why, when your eyes are close, does it still affect you so much? It's strange.

The Abilities of Snow

In the dead of winter, snow blankets the fields and roadways: covering, masking, and hiding. It hides everything that it touches, camouflaging it in white.

But the funny thing is... in the dead of winter, at night, when the moon is high in the sky and spreading it's light, the snow, along with the moon, reveals all. The reflection of white light and white snow reveals the herds of deer that line the Iowa fields, the same deer that normally are hard to spot in the lush forests and brown fields. It's as if, shortly after deer season, the bucks and their does come out using these reflections just to say, "Look at me! Look at me! I've been here all along. And now that your gun is put away, I'm going to stand here, so close and visible, just to tease you!"

Triathalon Maybe?

My sister and my brother-in-law (not a couple) have started training for their New Year's resolution and goal: To compete in a triatholon. And now my sister has got me thinking about doing one too. And just thinking about it has gotten me all nervous and worn out. But I am interested in the idea. Could I do it? Could I keep my body going for that long? Could I keep my mind motivated for the whole distance? Many questions... no FOR SURE answers. Well, until I try one.

My sister and my brother-in-law's (not a couple) plan is to train and increase distances each week. Starting with 10 miles a week and moving forward from there. A big problem my brother-in-law and I have though is that we have nowhere to practice swimming until our city outdoor pools or lakes open in the summer. The problem my sister and brother-in-law (not a couple) have is that they have nowhere to bike when there is snow on the ground. My sister is still at college, so she has an indoor pool to swim in. And I have a contraption in which you can hook up a bike indoors and pedal normally as if you were outdoors. But I really need to practice swimming, considering that will probably be the hardest part of the whole race. Not that I'd be racing to compete, but rather racing to complete. Another plan they have is to practice for the triathalon by signing up for a sprint, which is a shorter version of the triathalon. And the one they are interested in doing is in late June... which means, whew! I need to get my butt in gear!

So I am still contemplating this idea, but the truth is it intrigues me. I want to push my body and test my strength of mind. I want to see how far I can go and what I can accomplish. But the real truth is... I am scared fo failing. I am scared of not being abe to handle it. I am scared of letting myself down.. But maybe I won't, right? Maybe, I will be great .................. Right?

Like Buttons on a Sweater...

I wish little puppy's eyes were like buttons on a sweater... there'd be an extra sewn in somewhere just in case they lost one.

Update: Josie is doing better. She is acting a little more like herself today. Her eye is still stitched shut, and she still has drops and pain medication to take everyday but she is starting to adjust to her decrease in vision. Her eye is draining some, which I am not sure is a good or bad thing, and she is getting some hair matted near her stitches. But she is getting better, so I just continue to pray that the eye will stay healthy enough for her to keep it.